Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand… Excerpt from the Prayer of St. Francis
The above quote summarizes in a nutshell the principles of Non-Violent Communication (NVC). The primary skill that is taught in this communication technique is empathy; truly putting oneself in the other’s shoes and understanding their needs. You can probably readily see how this applies in a romantic or friendly relationship, but does this apply in the workplace?
Let’s face it, most of us are very bad at communicating our needs in a constructive way, and even worse at understanding another’s needs. Especially in situations where we disagree with someone, and even more so when there is something at stake in the relationship, we tend to be protective of our own needs and defensive of any criticism. We also tend to bring up past events and hurts, rather than focusing on what each person needs in this moment.
NVC focuses on identifying and understanding each party’s unmet needs in the current moment. This places the focus on the present situation, even when the unmet need or emotion is the result of a longstanding disagreement, or maybe even past perceived injustices.
The practice of NVC homes in on what each party is feeling and needing right now. It requires openness to hearing the other’s feelings and honesty when expressing ours. Whether on the side of delivering difficult feedback or on the receiving end, NVC techniques help to ensure shared understanding of the issue at hand, as well as clarity on future action.
When we learn these principles and apply them in our communication with others, it fosters a harmonious environment and minimizes misunderstandings. In addition, it helps us to hear criticism without defensiveness and it facilitates communication of our needs and desires in a clear and constructive way.
I incorporate NVC into my coaching practice as one tool to address both workplace and personal relationship issues. I’ll be posting more about this technique and giving examples for you to practice if you choose. We can all use a way to communicate more clearly, whether it be at work, with a spouse, or in social situations. NVC is a great tool for creating more understanding and a safer, happier space, no matter what the environment.
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